Dining with Lesbians

A bowl of personal identity served with blueberry pie

Is My Partner Gay?

Sometimes, I wonder if my partner is gay.  We’ve been together for a long time and I know she loves me, but I just don’t think she sees herself as a lesbian.  She has never said “I’m gay” out loud but would, at the most, say that she has a partner.  Though I wish one day there would be no labels and that no one is gay or straight but just people, at this present moment, we still need to stand up for our identity.

My partner will be coming to Taiwan tomorrow (hopefully without delay because both Hong Kong and Taiwan have been hit by a typhoon today and air traffic has been nasty).  It so happens that a local group will be demonstrating for gay marriage* tomorrow and I will be going for sure and I really want my partner to join.  She has never joined Pride, IDAHOT or any type of rally to support gay rights but I really hope she will.  I’m not pushing her to come out but I just want her to see what it means to be in love with someone of your own gender and what we must stand up for.  I just want her to see who I am as a lesbian living in a heterosexually dominant world and that she might slowly understand her own identity.

*Just a quick note on my stance on gay marriage: I see the need for equal marriage rights but I do not see the need for marriage because A) it’s only a way to conform relationships according to rules set out too long ago B) intimacy does not need the blessing of institutions C) in a gender imbalanced world, marriage suffocates women.  I support gay marriage the same way I support any gay rights movement because I want to do as much as I can, but if I had to prioritize, I would put other issues such as anti-discrimination laws or gender mainstreaming before gay marriage.

(Photo courtesy of TAPCPR)

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15 comments on “Is My Partner Gay?

  1. Ellen Hawley
    July 10, 2015

    I never gave a rip about gay marriage either–until my partner and I got older and realized we weren’t invulnerable. Either marriage or partnership (it’s not a big deal to me which) means that if one of us is hospitalized, the other won’t have to go to war in order to see her, make decisions if necessary, and in general be treated like next of kin. We’re 68 and 75 (damn, how did that happen?), and it becomes more and more important the years creep past. Presumably when one of us dies it will make the life easier for the survivor to negotiate all the business of death. So even though I agree with you about marriage, I also disagree.

    The whole issue of how a woman identifies herself strikes me as difficult. We have these categories. They matter, I think, only because the world around us is, to varying degrees unaccepting or hostile. In a better world, would they matter to us? I’m not sure.

    Liked by 1 person

    • nmwords
      July 16, 2015

      It must be amazing to be with someone for so long! I get your point on making life easier by being married but I just wish there wasn’t the need of marriage in proving our relationship to the hospital or the insurance company or any institution.
      Labels and categories have never made me comfortable but I find identifying as being gay useful in pushing forward rights for our small mistreated group. But, yes, in a better world, I would neither be female nor a lesbian.

      Like

  2. idioglossiablog
    July 10, 2015

    I love your passion! I just wanted to say that I have always taught my children the concept that there are a million different ways to do the right thing, and that each path is of equal value. It’s important that our significant others know that even if we express ourselves differently they always have our complete support to follow their own path. 😉 G-uno

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ellen Hawley
      July 10, 2015

      What a great thing for your kids to grow up knowing.

      Liked by 1 person

    • nmwords
      July 16, 2015

      We need more parents like you. If only all children could grow up seeing the importance of accepting differences, being gay would be amazing!

      Liked by 1 person

      • idioglossiablog
        July 17, 2015

        Thank you. Being gay is amazing! If our creator had intended to to only favor one type of person then only one type would have been created. 😉 Keep posting we’re reading. G-uno

        Like

      • nmwords
        July 18, 2015

        Being gay IS amazing! Thanks for reading!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. rebbit7
    July 10, 2015

    It’s interesting that your partner doesn’t consider herself as lesbian. I’m wondering if it’s because she’s ashamed of saying the word out loud, especially in a heterosexual-dominated society, where you don’t know how people might react to it? Then again, I don’t know anything about your relationship with each other, but it’s great that you will participate in Taiwan’s demonstration on gay marriage. Let me know how it goes!

    Like

    • nmwords
      July 16, 2015

      In a way we’re both very shy about talking about our relationship with other people (except on this blog!) but I identify with the gay community because I can’t stand seeing gay people being bullied, harmed or even killed just for being gay like myself so we have to stand up for this identity. But my partner doesn’t, she just doesn’t think what happens to other lesbians is any of her business when it is so our business.

      Liked by 1 person

      • rebbit7
        July 16, 2015

        I see. Well, as long as you and your partner are fine with each other’s different beliefs on the LGBTQA community, then it shouldn’t be a problem. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. onlyfragments
    July 10, 2015

    Your partner may NOT be gay, though. Mine doesn’t identify with a label, though she has primarily dated cis or trans women. We were talking a few days ago about labels and I explained panromantic and demisexuality, and she said those both sounded like her. But labels just aren’t as important to her. It’s okay if someone doesn’t choose a label; that doesn’t mean they don’t care about their identity, or yours. Maybe your partner hasn’t found a word for what she is yet.

    Liked by 1 person

    • nmwords
      July 16, 2015

      I understand what you mean, I wish I didn’t need to choose a gender or sexual orientation label either. But I just hoped that my partner could see that life can be tough for women who love women and that we could actually do something about it because we so happen to fall into this pattern of relationships.

      Like

  5. SJ
    July 11, 2015

    Ok, so I knew I liked you blog. This though made me an Ultra Fan! Hope the rally is incredible! X

    Like

    • nmwords
      July 16, 2015

      Haha, I’ve never had a fan, let alone an Ultra Fan, thanks for your kind words!

      Like

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This entry was posted on July 10, 2015 by in Coming Out, Energy, equality, Gender, Identity, LGBT, LGBTI, SOGI, Taiwan and tagged , , , , , .

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